Sherry Gaba Psychotherapist and Life Coach

Quite some time ago I posted about being That Girl. I won’t link to the post because we all know who That Girl is.

The girl with That Job.

The girl with the DUI.

The girl who looked Like That.

The girl that they didn’t want to bring home to Mom.

The girl with That Reputation.

I am no longer That Girl. It’s been a long time gone since I’ve been her. I think I knew deep down that I probably would either

1. pull myself out, or

2. kill myself.

But I knew deep down that I wouldn’t continue to inflict my embarrassment on others.

The hardest to swallow was the judgement of the mothers. The women who believed that I wasn’t good enough for their sons and daughters. I don’t fault them; at the time I wasn’t fit for anyone. Yet, I could feel their spine stiffen as they appraised me with a stony smile and faux friendliness. I was a drunk, not stupid. I drank to fill an emptiness inside. I was to find out later that only my higher power could fill that hole. Up until that point, I tried to fill it with people, places, and things.

Occasionally, I get a client on the table that will talk about their children’s choice of friends. They are snarky and biting. I know that they come from a place of concern for their child, but I keep my mouth closed. As a parent and an addict, I see both sides of the situation. I consider myself knowledgeable but not an expert. I keep my mouth closed.

There are days that I want to start a Facebook account. Seek out the mothers and fathers of the past and say, “Look at me now.” I am a mother, too. I graduated from college. I have a good job. I no longer look like that. I am sober.

I won’t do that. They wouldn’t recognize me and it’s all water under the bridge.

But looking back, I think to myself, it would of been nice if one of the mothers would have sat me down in their kitchen, offered me some coffee cake and said “You’re a pretty girl, with a lot to offer. Why are you doing this with your life?”

I thought it took a village to raise a child.

To begin with, I have made a conscious decision to write in my blog every week from now on,  maybe even more than once a week.  I truly want to bring together a community of like-minded individuals who are  growing and transforming each and every day.  People who are willing to take risks and move forward even in the face of fear.  The purpose here is  for you to have a place to go in the spaces, as you get from where you are to where you are going.  This blog is for anyone who is stuck but needs that little nudge to get  themself going .  This week I am writing about the gifts of gratitude not only for others but for yourself. 

This was a week of lessons for my client; all around gratitude and forgiveness, but this blog will focus on gratitude.  It began when my client did something for someone  last week who she hardly knew.  It was at first a selfless act and as time went on, she noticed her selflessness was changing into something else.  Was it resistance?  Was she becoming self-serving?  Was she needing something she wasn’t getting?  Was she trying to control something? or Was she in fear? 

As it turned out, what she was feeling was disappointment.  Yes, although she did something nice for someone, there was never any guarantee she would be appreciated.  She had no  control how that person was  going to respond to her kind gestures;  and by expecting  something  she never got (a thank you), it set her up for  feeling frustrated and resentful.   The key is to do  what you do for others and let that just be.  Let it go and unfold as it will.  Otherwise, you are in resistance.  When you focus on resistance, all that does is bring you more of the same.  By the end of the week, her negativity attracted  problems with her husband, her children, and at work. 

Gratitude, however, is all about acceptance.  When you are in acceptance, you have the opportunity to attract back that which you desire.  By not accepting this woman’s behavior,  she created negativity  that just brought on more of the same and she still never got what it was she thought she needed in the first place. 

Simply by recognizing her part and accepting responsibility for what was going on in her life, her mood was lifted.  She felt empowered and expressed gratitude for what was happening and realized the fact she  had created  the negativity in the firstplace.  It was her perception that she was entitled to a “thank you” that was causing her pain. 

Although this person did not show gratitude, my client could.  She realized that although she was hurt, she coud still feel gratitude for the experience.  The more she appreciated the lesson learned, the freer she felt.  Her mood was no longer dependent on someone else’s action.  She couldn’t control the outcome of the situation, but she could control how she was feeling about it. 

Tips to Developing Gratitude

1.  Make a list of that which you are grateful for.

2. Notice all the positive things that are happening right now in this present moment.

3.  Acknowledge all things happen for a reason, even when we don’t know what the reason is.

4.  Know you cannot control the outcome and it is only your negative perceptions of something that brings you pain.

5.  By shifting your focus, you can become aware of all the positive things that come out of every situation.

A male client tells his psychotherapist he is having difficulty turning his neck from side to side without experiencing excruciating pain.  Another female client reacts to a new relationship, which on the surface looks and feels good, but when her partner speaks in a certain tone to her; she feels a sense of dread in her gut.  Another client comes in carrying a baby blanket to help her feel safe from a flood of emotions too painful to ignore, but too difficult to express.  What all these clients seem to be exhibiting is a history of un-resolved trauma and emotional pain that is so debilitating, it can only be felt in their bodies, but cannot be expressed verbally.  In these types of cases, psychotherapy that accesses the bodies felt senses may be the best treatment to un-earth these chronic symptoms that many suffer from in the aftermath of intense trauma and emotional pain.  Some of these treatments include Somatic Experiencing, Whole Body Consciousness, or Psychodrama.

The different types of trauma can come from a host of past experiences such as childhood neglect or abandonment, physical, sexual, or verbal abuse, an auto accident, a divorce, a sudden death of a loved one, or even a natural disaster such as an earthquake.  Although these clients may not be able to verbalize their pain, their bodies speak for themselves.  There is a knowing that something doesn’t feel quite right.  Some of these symptoms show up later as an increased heart rate, sweating, trouble breathing, muscular tension, chronic fatigue, digestive problems, depression, or anxiety.   Some of the ways people deal with these traumatic pasts are to numb out, freeze, disassociate, or even go into denial.  This is the body’s way of protecting itself from traumatic experiences that were too severe to have been endured at the time they happened.  For example, many sexually abused individuals report an “out of body” experience when perpetuated by the abuser.  It is as if their body is there, but their mind disappears so as not to have to feel the emotional pain of the abuse.  If these body messages are not dealt with, many trauma victims turn to other ways to self soothe or self-medicate such as addictions to food, sex, drugs, alcohol, spending,  self-mutilation, and other self defeating behaviors.  Other symptoms of un-resolved trauma can stay underground for years and suddenly a major stressor erupts, and a person develops panic attacks or a feeling of being detached or dead inside. 

When a person is threatened, the body stores energy to help defend against the danger, however, when the energy is not discharged properly at the time of the event, it becomes blocked in the body only to show up later when there is a life altering event in a person’s life. This is when it usually shows up as anxiety, panic attacks, or even phobias such as fear of flying or fear of driving on freeways.   

Other examples of symptoms that occur when un-resolved emotional pain is not dealt with might be denial where a person acts as if an intolerable event never occurred or he or she might be drawn to situations that replicate the original childhood trauma.  For example, a person chooses a partner that is an alcoholic similar to an alcoholic parent from his or her family of origin. This type of behavior is a person’s way of unconsciously re-doing the past to get it right.  In other words, it is a coping mechanism people use to deal with un-resolved emotional pain that has not been processed.   

When unresolved trauma is not worked through, individuals have difficulty setting boundaries.  When a person goes through a major traumatic event, he or she becomes disconnected from his or her body.  Therefore, he or she doesn’t know where boundaries begin or where they end.  They might let others take advantage of them because they do not know how to say “no” or become extremely co-dependent in their relationships.

The goal of body psychotherapy is to be able to begin to correlate thoughts with body sensations.  By being able to make the connection, a person learns not to respond in the usual habitual ways.  For instance, when you are triggered by a boss or a loved one, you become aware of the body sensations that are being effected and can respond appropriately versus impulsively.

There are various therapeutic methods to track the felt senses in the body.  One way to heal trapped energy or past emotional pain is to become present to your bodies sensations by noticing the subtle changes that occur when you are upset or when you feel joy.

“In somatic experiencing you initiate your own healing by re-integrating lost or fragmented positions of your essential self.” (Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma, Peter A. Levine, 1997).  This is a method by which the psychotherapist helps the client access the felt senses in the body when he shares both difficult material from the past, as well as experiences that are pleasant.

As we develop, we learn to disconnect from our body awareness through the socialization processes.  We learn to role model from parents, teachers, and other authority figures that teach us what is right and wrong.  When we begin to explore the world around us, we are told to “sit down” or “be still” when what we should be doing is exploring our environments with a sense of curiosity and excitement.  These messages encourage us to shut down losing touch with the energy force that lies within us.

“The gap between body and mind stems from programming that encourages us to be quiet and repress our feelings in the interest of being stoic and well behaved.” (What’s your body telling you? Listening to your body’s signals to stop anxiety, erase self-doubt, and achieve true wellness, Steve Sisgold, 2009).

Some examples of whole body consciousness are learning how to deep breathe, scanning the whole body for changes and witnessing the sensation as they move, meditation, or learning how to alter body positions. 

When you expand your chest, you are more likely to access uplifting and positive thoughts versus shrinking your shoulders which represents a negative thought process.  In meditation, you learn to be a curious observer of your thoughts instead of trying to control them. You learn how to regulate your reactions towards yourself, others, and situations instead of acting out inappropriately.  Suddenly your relationships improve because you are no longer a victim of un-processed trauma where energy has been stagnated, but rather the energy now flows more freely and smoothly and your reactions come from a more balanced and mindful place.  You begin to be able to cope with un-comfortable situations in a more peaceful fashion making decisions from a grounded position versus not thinking things through.

Another type of body psychotherapy is psychodrama which is a type of role play that allows individuals to rework relationships with others and with themselves.  It is a way to correct distorted views of how they might have seen others.  This is done through role reversal by putting themselves in another person’s position. It allows them to feel re-empowered and restore a sense of safety where they might have felt helpless in the past.  It allows individuals to see how others might be viewing them by receiving feedback so they can change self-destructive behavior patterns. 

Finally, when you learn to access your body’s innate wisdom and investigate emotions that have been repressed, you get the opportunity to un-leash un-tapped energy so that you can move more freely and easily.  By releasing deep seated pain and old wounds, you begin to feel empowered and nothing or no one will be able to hold you back from being the creative, resourceful, and brilliant person you are meant to be. 

 Remember that famous quote from  Varuca Salt in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”.  That reminded me of how we all feel sometimes when we don’t get what we want and  are thrown into reality once again that things don’t always come  how  or when we want it.  There is a force at work greater than ourselves and what we may hope for may present itself or not, but if it does, it is not exactly always in the form we want it to appear and usually  when we least likely expect it.  This month’s challenges for me got me  thinking about Varuca Salt.  It also reminded me of my father’s famous quote, although I don’t know if he made it up or not….”Sherry,” he would say, when I would be disappointed about not getting something I desperately wanted, “Expect for the worst, hope for the best, and you will end up somewhere in the middle.”  Now, that  seems reasonable, doesn’t it or does it?  It certainly doesn’t go along with the whole law of attraction principal that whatever we think, we will attract.  What kind of law is that anyway?   That isn’t a law, that is just wishful thinking.  Nothing wrong with making wishes, but there isn’t a law that is going to make your wishes come true.  So the question I have been struggling with and maybe you have to is “When do we let something go, but at the same time not give up on our dreams?”  I am not really sure, but what I do know, and what I do believe is whenever we get attached to the outcome,  and it doesn’t work out to our satisfaction, we are surely going to be disappointed.   We will surely run up against walls along the way, if we expect things to go the way we want them to go all the time.  The creator of Willy Wonka only knew this so well.  My inner “Varuca Salt” was up against some disappointments this month.  My husband had his second surgery in four months, my daughter cancelled her wedding (although I am very proud she had the courage to do this), and my media career had some definite ups and downs.  As I waited anxiously to appear on television  week after week  after filming last summer, I only appeared once and not for very long as my friends and family will attest.  (Especially my mother who told every friend she has ever known about it.)  Was I embarrassed?  Well, a little.  The big publishing deal that was in the works didn’t happen either.  In most areas of my life, I am learning the age old wisdom that we must accept what is and let go of the rest.  That doesn’t mean we give up, it just means we hold on to our dreams, take the necessary action steps, but  just know that it may not turn out the way we thought.  Something will show up, but no matter how bad we want it to turn out a certain way,  our higher power has a mind of it’s own.  At least, that is the lesson that I continually have to be reminded of.  So the best advise I can give is maybe my fathers.  The book inside of me just might have to change titles and the media career may go in an entirely different direction, but  ending up somewhere in the middle,  might  be the greatest gift I have ever been given.