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I had no idea I would be writing this weekend about this subject but after getting a very disturbing email from another Psychotherapist this week, who I thought was my friend, I have no choice. When I blog, I blog from my heart, and when something calls me to express my thoughts on an important issue, I have no choice but to blog away about it.
I have used Facebook, Twitter, and my Blog for at least three years to express subject matter related to my field. I have written about subjects ranging from adolescents and the dangers of pain medication, baby boomers and addiction, and finding your life purpose in sobriety, as well as a host of other blogs related to many important mental health issues. It was only in the last few weeks I started to write about my upcoming book, “The Law of Sobriety.” The book is a great resource for anyone new in sobriety and for those who have a secure sobriety and wanting to discover “What’s next?” for them now that they have embraced a clean and sober lifestyle.
My goals for facebook and blogging never was intended to be used like an email to contact friends, although it has been a blast finding old friends from the past. I thought it was a vehicle that college students were using and then discovered us baby boomers could enjoy the many aspects facebook has to offer. Then when twitter came around, I didn’t even hook it up to my phone and still haven’t. I thought how cool it would be to write inspirational quotes and to continue to meet other like minded individuals in recovery and in the mental health arena.
Well, this supposed friend wrote to me that she doesn’t use Faceboook for marketing and that it wouldn’t be fair to her friends. She doesn’t write about work and would not use her personal Facebook page as a marketing tool. She believes talking about herself is “too indulgent” and that anyone who uses Facebook or Twitter as a marketing tool should be embarrassed and expect to be un-friended.
I sat there like a deer in headlights not believing what she wrote on my wall. I was at first hurt, then baffled. For the most part, my Facebook messages have been inspirational quotes, articles and blogs related to addictions, and just recently blurbs about my book. I haven’t tried to get clients, sell products, or anything remotely related to a full blown “Sherry Gaba” marketing campaign. Yes, now that my book is coming out, I hope to reach as many people as I can who will benefit from what I have to share. I work endlessly helping clients day in and day out in one on one sessions helping them getting sober, stay sober, and to live a joyous and free life while sober.
I am so grateful that this book opportunity came up for me and I will proudly share it with anyone who is interested in reading it. Thank you to all my Facebook Friends who have commented on my wall supporting everything I do. You have re-affirmed what I already knew, but to be acknowledged by others who work in recovery or are in recovery, is beyond a blessing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is a Psychotherapist and Life Coach who works in addictions in Agoura Hills, CA. She is the Psychotherapist and Life Coach on Celebrity Rehab 2 and 3 with Dr. Drew. Her new book “The Law of Sobriety” will be out in September 2010. She also works with other mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, trauma, PTSD, as well as with adolescents, single parents, couples, and, divorce and co-parenting. She can be reached at sherry@sgabatherapy.com or www.sgabatherapy.com. http://www.sgabatherapy.com/AgouraHillsPsychotherapy.en.html
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A woman comes in depressed and anxious after a recent divorce; another woman comes in after a divorce but is more hopeful and eagerly wants to move on with her life. Should these women see a therapist or life coach or perhaps both? Hopefully, this article will clarify the differences and similarities and how each profession provides its own unique gems.
In terms of more personal issues, individuals many years ago before the birthing of psychotherapy, might seek guidance from their church or synagogue. Once Freud and Psychoanalysis emerged, psychotherapy became the place to go for one on one support. In terms of employer employee relations, there was a time in the workforce when an employee might seek counsel from a manager. With the downsizing of middle management, many employees found themselves without support. What have replaced them in the corporate world is independent consultants. They help the employee to deal with morale, relationship building, and employee absenteeism among other employer-employee issues. Now, with the onset of virtual technology, e-mail, wireless office technology and an increase in home offices, guidance can now come from an individual’s own home. Although psychotherapy has its own guidelines state to state, life coaching can be facilitated anywhere. It is a global community. Life coaching can keep individuals and employees motivated and accountable as well as move them towards finding a more fulfilling and purposeful life,
Now you might be asking where does psychotherapy come in. Although there are therapists that are more goals oriented and solution focused, life coaches and therapists serve different purposes. The therapist is the person who is sought out for healing old wounds, focuses on past issues, and deals with personal problems that need to be analyzed and solved. The life coach, on the other hand, is a mentor or guide. Coaches focus on the manifestation of one’s future making their dreams come alive now with accountability and action steps designed both by the life coach and the client. Life coaching is not about fixing a problem but rather helping a client get out of the comfort zone. It is the transformation of creating a future self. A life coach believes a client is already whole. Being coached is consciously choosing a preferred future and living life fully and purposefully now. Coaching does not focus on what needs mending but rather clarifies what the client wants to improve upon whether it is their career, their relationship, their health and well-being, or even their spirituality. Coaches ask clients “What is it they really want out of life?” The Coaches Training Institute sees coaching as an alliance between the coach and client together. In other words, there is a “co-creation” or partnership of equals in the process of coaching. They use what is known as a “co-active” model and believe the client is already “naturally, creative, resourceful and whole.” Therapy, on the other hand, treats a client’s diagnosis. Coaching demands the bringing forth of a client’s brilliance of who they are and have always been. Coaching puts the brakes on when will the client finally be fulfilled, but rather we have these gifts inside us already and coaching helps give birth to it. positive plan for my future.
In essence, there is always room for life coaching or psychotherapy. When issues are more serious or are out of a coach’s scope of practice, a life coach will refer a client to outside psychotherapy. They are highly trained to deal with mental illness, suicide, addictions, abuse, and other more difficult problems. A client in these instances needs to be properly evaluated and treated for these issues. Psychotherapy is about eliminating problems and making changes to live a more functional life and life coaching is about calling forth the magnificence that has always existed in the client so they can breathe into the life they are truly meant to live.
Sherry Gaba, LCSW is a Life Coach and Psychotherapist in Agoura Hills, CA. She works with adolescents, adults, and couples. She specializes in addictions, trauma, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression and other mental health issues. She also helps her clients find their life purpose. She is the Psychotherapist and Life Coach on Celebrity Rehab 2 and 3 with Dr. Drew Pinsky on VH1. She services Westlake Village, Agoura Hills, Thousand Oaks, Calabasas, Malibu, Simi Valley, Camarillo, Moorpark, Simi Valley, and Newbury Park. Her new book, “The Law of Sobriety” will be out in September 2010. She can be reached at 818-756-3338. www.sgabatherapy.com or sherry@sgabatherapy.com. http://www.sgabatherapy.com/CalabasasPsychotherapy.en.html
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“Purpose is the most important quality for every life to possess, experientially, consciously, and with words. It tells us what we want most to be about.”
–Frederic M. Hudson, Ph.D.
Purpose in the American heritage Dictionary is defined “The Object toward which one strives or for which something exists; an aim or goal…” or “A result or an effect that is intended or desired; an intention” or “Determination, resolution.” So what is your purpose in recovery? Is it to stay sober? Is it to attend three to five 12 step meetings a week? Is it to find a job or start a business that resonates with who you are or who you are becoming? Is your purpose more existential such as “Why am I here on this planet?
Do you ever have the thought, “There must be more than this?” This internal nudge may be more than just middle age approaching, being in a rut professionally, or feeling antsy in your present relationships. Yes, a purpose is much more….it is a calling, a deep feeling within that there is a reason you are here. It doesn’t take crises such as a death, divorce, or job change to figure out what that purpose is either. Right now you can determine what it is that makes your heart sing.
Finding your purpose is much more than just defining what your goals are. A purpose is much richer and gives your goals a foundation to build upon. Goals can be defined much easier when you know what your are passionate about.
So how can a purpose help keep you sober? When you first got sober, your goal was most likely to attend as many 12 step meetings as possible and the purpose, of course, was to stay sober. Than your goals morphed into other important goals such as paying off your bills, finding a decent place to live, or clearing away people, places, and things in your life that were triggers that could cause you to relapse. Then you moved on to perhaps finding a job or career so that you could re-build your life. Your goals might have been to find people in your life that were in recovery and who you could have “sober fun” with. These were all absolutely necessary in early recovery to keep you grounded and focused. However, as time passed, you found yourself maybe stagnant, restless, or maybe even irritable. You were promised that if you just stayed sober, these feelings would not occur.
I know for me I have felt impatient or agitated knowing there is something more for me to be or to do, not having a clue what that something is. I eventually learned that the fidgetiness is really the universe calling me to perhaps reinvent myself, make new friends, reflect on my intimate relationships, and spiritual longings. These are the things that have made up my purpose over the years.
Life is much more than getting by. It is time to turn off your cell phones, take a break from twitter, face book, voice mail and your computer and breathe your purpose in and breathe your goal out.. Maybe you can take small steps by defining what your purpose is just for today. I know I can become easily burnt out when I don’t take those sacred pauses throughout the day to just be still and be with me and the beauty that surrounds me. It is so important to hold sacred space to look deeper within to reflect on those existential questions as to why you are here and what is next?
Although one of the most important purposes is to stay sober, there may be other goals around your sobriety that have needed a tune up. Maybe you need to try some new 12- step meetings to get energized again. Perhaps it is time to get into psychotherapy or find a life coach to help you clarify your changing goals or to develop a purpose statement that encompasses other aspects of your life such as family, career, spirituality, or improving your relationships. Your purpose is your vision for your life today, tomorrow, and in the distant future. Maybe start with your distant future and work backwards creating goals that resonate with what you want to do, where you want to go, and what you want to leave behind.
One of the best ways to re-evaluate your purpose is to look first at your values. Have your values changed? Are you living up to your values? Values shift throughout our lives. There is no need to judge your values, but maybe it is time to tweak them to resonate with where you are in your life today. For example, I am learning I can only see so many clients a week. If I see more, it is a sure recipe for burn out. When I first started my private practice full time, I did not put a cap on how many clients I would see a week. The greater goal is I want more time to meditate, exercise, and spend more time with friends and family. The value is I want to be more at peace so that recovery can be peaceful and effortless.
Step back; notice what you are feeling right now. Does it resonate with your true purpose? Or do you feel angst at the thought of what is ahead of you today? Tomorrow? Or in the distant future? The answers are an inside job and will come to you when you take the sacred time to discover them.
Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is a Psychotherapist and Life Coach in Agoura Hills specializing in addictions, depression, anxiety, trauma (PTSD), divorce, and single parenting. She also sees adolescents. She is the Life Coach on Celebrity Rehab 2, 3 and Sober House with Dr. Drew on VH1. She is a contributing author of “Chicken Soup for the Soul: Tough Times, Tough People.” She can be reached at http://sgabatherapy.com/AgouraHillsPsychotherapy.en.html
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If you are like most people, you are feeling the effects of the economy. The fears of a failing economy, fallen house prices, banks going out of business, and high gas prices cannot be alleviated by an “economic rescue package.” What most people are needing is instead, a “mental health rescue package.” My private practice has never been busier and the issue du jour is anticipatory anxiety over an uncertain financial marketplace. Perhaps our parents and grandparents can remember days gone by of soup kitchens and people throwing themselves out of tall buildings because of the depression. I don’t know if we are not that far off from similar desperate measures due to desperation in these frantic times. . Certainly, my associates are seeing more depression and signs of helplessness and hopelessness with their clients. If managing stress was the buzz before the economic downturn, it is most definitely needed in today’s financially disastrous times.
Some people get confused with the differences between pressure and stress. Pressure is what is happening to you, while stress is how you react to those pressures. Stress is composed of the thoughts that we believe are happening, although there is not always any reality related to those thoughts. For example, you may have a boss that is in a bad mood but you instantly believe he is going to fire you and that may not be necessarily true. Therefore, be careful what you think because that may be what is causing you unnecessary stress in your daily life.
There are various different types of stressors such as financial stress, marital stress, mental, and physical stress. The following are tips to help you cope with the various stress plaguing your serenity and peace of mind.
FINANCIAL STRESS
Try to do an assessment of where you stand financially. Ask yourself where is your money? Do you need assistance from a trusted financial advisor?
Limit your exposure to media coverage about the failing economy.
Make sure that all your bank accounts are covered by the FDIC – Federal Deposit Insurance insures deposits up to $100,000.00.
Be extra wary of financial scams that promise instant high returns.
Talk with your creditors if you are having trouble making your monthly bills and ask if they can be made into smaller payments.
Learn if there are financial assistance programs available to you such as Federal and state programs.
MARITAL STRESS
Before you get married, made sure you share similar values around financial issues such as investments, vacations, keeping a budget, and standard of living goals.
Decide if it is more conducive to have separate or joint accounts. For marriages later in life, separate accounts can protect the assets you have accumulated before you got married.
Figure out who is going to pay the bills and how you want to divide them.
Don’t make impulsive decisions without communicating with your partner. Remind each other you are in this together.
Don’t do the escape and avoidance tactic because most likely you will incur more debt.
Don’t keep secrets about how you both are spending and earning your money because this will erode trust.
Stop bailing out your grown children because this only enables their irresponsible behavior.
MENTAL STRESS
Don’t use buying something new as a way to improve your mood. Ask yourself if you really need the item?
Try to get perspective on your thoughts and beliefs around money so that you have more clarity.
Avoid compulsive and addictive behavior to cope with your financial problems such as substance abuse, compulsive shopping, gambling, or sex addiction. If you find yourself in trouble with any addictions, seek the proper help.
Don’t compare yourself to what others have. You really don’t know what is going on behind closed doors.
Learn to let go of what you cannot control. Freedom begins when we begin to understand what we can and cannot control.
PHYSICAL STRESS
Take brisk walks.
Meditate focusing on breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Laugh. It does wonders.
Tense and relax various muscle groups.
Use guided visualizations to invoke all your senses.
Take a personal day off from work to just get out of the “doing” and get into the “being.”
Although we are powerless over what goes on in certain outside aspects of our financial lives, there are some things we can control when it comes to our financial success. Remember most financial crises are temporary and that when we are in deep fear, it is most likely un-founded, but only feels real in the moment. If we can reframe our negative thoughts to positive ones, our fears lessen allowing us to make better financial decisions today for a more thriving tomorrow.
Sherry Gaba, LCSW is a Psychotherapist in Agoura Hills and does Life Coaching in her office or by phone. She is the author of the upcoming book, “The Law of Sobriety” in September 2010 and contributing author to “Chicken Soup for the Soul: Tough Times and Tough People” and the “Conscious Entrepreneur”. She is the Life Coach on Celebrity Rehab 2, 3 and Sober House with Dr. Drew Pinsky on VH1. She specializes in addictions, trauma (PTSD), depression, anxiety, single parenting, divorce, and somatic experiencing. She can be reached at sherry@sgabatherapy.com or http://sgabatherapy.com/AgouraHillsPsychotherapy.en.html
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ADOLESCENTS AND LOVE ADDICTION
A 16 year old adolescent enters my office depressed and anxious with signs of chaos at home and in her personal relationships. Her mother has brought her in because she has been acting out with self destructive behaviors and expressing she feels a profound feeling of “emptiness” and “abandonment.” Her boyfriend has recently rejected her breaking off their very intense six month relationship, which has left her in a tailspin. Her mother is concerned with her recent behaviors such as isolation, withdrawal from her friends, skipping school, poor grades, and possibly traits of an eating disorder. In addition, her parents have recently separated leaving her parents mostly emotionally unavailable dealing with their own set of problems.
Adolescence is a time when hormonal levels spike and infatuations can easily develop. However, at times these infatuations can turn into what is termed a “love addiction.” Love addiction is being in an un-healthy relationship as a way for a troubled teen to cope with feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem, abandonment, and a way to fulfill un-met needs from an earlier developmental stage.
This particular adolescent is particularly vulnerable due to the havoc of her parent’s divorce and feeling invisible at home as a result. However, this is also a time when adolescents are breaking away from their families of origin and developing autonomy, individuality, and social skills. However, not having the safety and security of a home environment can leave an adolescent feeling lost and susceptible to peer pressure, promiscuity, drug or alcohol addiction, co-dependency, and a harmful addiction to a relationship. The relationship serves as a numbing out measure to deal with all of the adolescent’s un-resolved issues. It is an attempt to find something external to fix the un-bearable emotional pain and discomfort of growing up in an un-healthy family or feeling ostracized from their peers. By grabbing onto the next best thing to make them feel whole and fulfilled, it is in-sufferable to imagine life without this other person. It is as if this other person represents the fix and euphoria drugs bring to the addict. It has also been shown that there are chemical changes in the brain of a love addict. These fused relationships are a way of satisfying a thirst for security and a sense of belonging and losing this love object is seen as excruciating.
Unlike a healthy relationship where there are boundaries, trust, and a feeling of security and safety, the love addict’s relationship is filled with obsession, jealousy, possessiveness, intense anxiety, and a feeling of always wanting more and never having enough of their love object’s attention. The adrenalin rush of these relationships causes intense withdrawal symptoms when the relationship ends just like the dope fiend who needs his drugs. They are in continuous search for that next high replacing healthy intimacy with an un-healthy need for another relationship to make them feel whole. This leaves a love addict vulnerable to staying in relationships at any costs even when they can jeopardize their safety and security. Often these relationships can be both physically and emotionally abusive. If an adolescents falls prey to these types of harmful relationships this can lead to a pattern of needy and clingy attachments in the future. In addition, they may not only continue to be love addicts, but may use other anesthetizing behaviors such as drug and alcohol addictions, eating disorders, self-mutilation, and/or other risky sexual behavior to avoid the discomfort they feel in their own skin.
It is imperative parents communicate with their teens about these issues, as well as values and beliefs related to sexuality, healthy/un-healthy relationships, boundaries, be good role models, and seek professional help if necessary. Parents need to be diligent to the warning signs of an adolescent suffering from a love addiction and place close attention to their behaviors and if anything seems to be out of the ordinary, not to go into denial, but to face the problem head on.
PARENTING TIPS
- 1. Open dialogue with teens.
- 2. Utilize teachable moments such as watching television together or during meals to discuss difficult subjects.
- 3. Role model a healthy relationship.
- 4. Monitor their time on the internet including their activities such as My Space and who they are in contact with.
- 5. Look for the signs and symptoms such as depression, anxiety, mood swings, and self-destructive behaviors.
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How to Have Sex Appeal: Having sex appeal is a birthright, girlfriend so go for it.
1.Make a list of what you think is sexually attractive about yourself. Have a makeover. Buy some sexy underwear, and get a massage to awaken your own sexual nature. After that, tell yourself some steamy positive affirmations such as “I am hot” and stick them everywhere in the house, your car, and work. Nurture your mind, body, and soul with yoga or meditation. Notice what is sexy about your favorite celebrity and go dancing to bring out that sexual energy below your waist.
2.How to determine who your best mate would be: He is always on your team. He understands it is okay to agree to disagree. He would swim through shark infested waters for you. He makes you laugh even if you are doing the most mundane things. He is not controlling and you can totally be yourself around him. He supports you as you transform and always makes you feel safe. He makes you feel you are the most beautiful woman in the world even when you wake up first thing in the morning. And, finally, don’t have sex too quickly. Make him wait.
3.How to snag that third or fourth date: Men must make the first move to ask you out again. Take interest in what he has to say. Don’t come on too strong or possessive. We don’t need him to think you are a “Fatal Attraction.” Do not pay for anything on the first date. Later on is okay, but if you want a real man, he won’t make you pay.
4.How to play hard to get: Again, I can’t emphasize it enough, do not have sex too early on. He will not respect you no matter what he says to get you into bed. Do not let him think you are desperate, but don’t make him think you are permanently unavailable by never answering his calls or continually cancelling dates. Know who you are. Be self-aware. That is how you leave your sexual imprint. Stir up his sexuality by showing deep interest and making him think he is special and unique. Challenge that person to show his greatest sides because he believes you are worth it. He should feel his life has been turned upside down because of you and will leave you wanting more of what you’ve got……confidence, sex appeal, vibrancy, and enticing. You become worth the chase.
5.What men look for in a potential mate in the first few minutes: Yes, men are visual. When you feel good on the inside, you radiate on the outside.
6.How do you keep the fire burning if you are in a relationship: Never get too comfortable or take your man for granted. There is some desperate soul ready to snatch him up. Have a special activity that is just for the two of you. Small gestures like buying him a bar of dark chocolate while out shopping. Be a little mysterious. Does he really need to see you with that green mask on? You plan your next date night. Thank him for the little things he does like grabbing bagels and coffee on Sunday while you sleep. Romance for him may be different than your idea of romance. Be open.
7.How coaching can help you in other areas on your life and more interesting to the opposite sex: Coaching is all about moving forward in your life. What is holding you back? What is your life purpose? Are you ready to take the next step in creating the life you have always desired? I did. Read more about the differences between psychotherapy and life coaching on my website at: www.therapysites.com/sites/sgabatherapy.com/Articles1.en.html. Learn how 50 Life Coaches changes their lives and the lives of others in the book: Conscious Entrepreneur.
8. Absolute turnoffs to avoid on first dates: It is okay to get that Brazilian wax, just not on the first date. Six inch heels are hot but not unless you are Carrie Bradshaw of “Sex and the City” or you might find yourself falling all over him which is a definite No No on the first date. Getting liquored up is just not appealing nor is not eating. Go ahead and order that Tiramisu dessert. And don’t try to impress him, he will see right through you.
9. First date rules, second date rules: All the above.
10. Tips for being new to the dating scene: Don’t turn your first new date into a therapy session. Call me, instead. Signs of insecurity and desperation will chase any first date away. Body language that exudes confidence and a sense of purpose is a turn on. Work on the inside before you embark on the outside: set up a support system of other singles, curb un-healthy addictions such as shopping, eating, recreational drugs or alcohol. The best tip for re-entering the dating game is to explore various action strategies and choose those that are most comfortable for you. Getting in the right frame of mind before taking the leap is essential.
Sherry Gaba is a Psychotherapist and Life Coach in private practice in Agoura, CA. Life Coaching can also be done by phone. She is the Life Coach with Dr. Drew on Celebrity Rehab on VH1 and has been on CNN Headline News, Inside Edition, Channel 5 KTLA News, and Fox San Diego. She is the contributing author of the “Conscious Entrepreneur” and “Chicken Soup for the Soul: Tough Times, Tough People”. Her new book will be out in September 2010 which explores finding your purpose in recovery. www.sgabatherapy.com, 818-756-3338, sherry@sgabatherapy.com.
Books to Buy:
Why You’re Still Single
The Joy of Dating Again
The Path to Love
The Shy Single
He’s Just Not That Into You
The 10 Commandments of Marriage
How to improve your marriage without talking about it
His Needs, her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage
Sherry Gaba Psychotherapist and Life Coach 